In Greek mythology, the tale of Sisyphus is a poignant symbol of relentless effort with seemingly no end. Sisyphus was condemned by the gods to an eternity of rolling a boulder up a hill only for it to roll back down each time he neared the summit. This never-ending cycle of effort and disappointment has become a metaphor for life’s struggles that seem futile and unending. The complex relationship between mothers and daughters can sometimes feel remarkably similar, like a Sisyphean task, where each generation is burdened with the expectations and emotional baggage of the past.
The Generational Cycle
This struggle isn’t isolated to a single generation. Often, the challenging dynamics between mothers and daughters are part of a much larger, intergenerational cycle. Just as an adult daughter may find herself tirelessly working to please her difficult mother, that mother likely endured similar efforts to satisfy her own demanding mother.
In previous generations, selflessness and emotional silence were deeply intertwined. Women often felt compelled to suppress their needs and desires, fearing shame or judgement if they dared to voice them. Today, daughters strive to break this cycle, determined not to repeat the silent sacrifices their mothers made.
Understanding this generational pattern is crucial to breaking free from it.
The Root of the Struggle
At the heart of this generational struggle lies a deep-seated desire for approval and acceptance. Many women, conditioned by societal expectations and family dynamics, believe their worth is tied to how well they can please others, particularly their mothers. This belief can lead to a lifetime of people-pleasing behaviours that are both exhausting and emotionally draining.
The Impact on Adult Daughters
For many adult daughters, the challenge of trying to keep their mothers happy can be overwhelming. The pressure to fulfill their mother’s needs and expectations while also balancing their own responsibilities can feel like an uphill battle with no end in sight. The emotional labour required to navigate this insecure relationship can take a toll on the daughter’s well-being and sense of self.
This pressure can manifest in various ways:
Constant Anxiety: The fear of disappointing their mother can lead to chronic anxiety and stress.
Loss of Identity: In the pursuit of their mother’s approval, daughters may lose touch with their own needs and desires.
Emotional Burnout: The never-ending effort to please can result in emotional and physical exhaustion.
The Mother’s Burden
On the other side of the equation, mothers who have had difficult relationships with their own mothers may unknowingly pass on this emotional baggage to their daughters. The cycle of trying to please and appease a demanding or critical parent can be perpetuated through generations, creating a pattern of enmeshment and unresolved issues.
They may have been raised in environments where their worth was similarly tied to their ability to please their own mothers. This generational transmission of expectations and behaviours creates a cycle that can be challenging to break.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from this generational pattern requires awareness, effort, and often professional support. Here are some steps that can help:
Recognising the generational nature of this struggle is the first step towards breaking free from the Sisyphean cycle. Mothers and daughters need to reflect on their past generational experiences and how it impacts the dynamic in their current relationship and work towards establishing healthier boundaries and communication patterns.
Seeking Support: Professional counselling or coaching can provide valuable tools and strategies for navigating this complex relationship.
Self-Compassion: Practicing self-compassion and understanding that one’s worth is not tied to the ability to please others is essential for your healing. In his book, “The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion”, psychologist and author, Dr Christopher K. Germer writes that “self-compassion is taking care of ourselves just as we would treat someone we love dearly … why should you deny yourself the same tenderness and warmth you extend to others who are suffering?”
Finding Empathy and Understanding: It is essential for both mothers and daughters to cultivate empathy and understanding towards each other’s perspectives and struggles which will create a space for healing and growth, breaking free from the patterns that have constrained their relationship in the past.
The Path Forward
The journey may not be easy, and it may require rolling that boulder up the hill a few more times. But with each attempt, the weight can become lighter, and the summit can feel a little closer. Eventually you will roll the boulder over the crest and down the other side.
No longer draining themselves by trying to please others, the mother and daughter now experience greater freedom. After unravelling the dysfunction in their relationship, they will find the strength to rewrite their own stories, free from the shadows of the past.
I specialise in guiding mothers and adult daughters through the complexities of their relationships. Through personalised counselling and coaching, I provide a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore your unique dynamics, discover strategies that fit your situation, and find a path toward healing, growth, and connection. Reach out to see how we can work together to create more understanding and peace in your relationship.
Image: Le Mythe de Sisyphe by Serge Mazet, Wikimedia Commons
Janice Williams is the only Certified Mother-Daughter Relationship Specialist in Australia and the South Pacific region.
Sessions are available across Australia and worldwide.