Are you a people-pleaser? Do you say “yes” when you would rather say “no”? Do you value other people’s feelings over your own?

Are You a People-Pleaser?

The mother-daughter relationship can be challenging especially when people-pleasing tendencies come into play.

People-pleasing is a common trait among many women which involves prioritising others’ needs and desires over one’s own. If you find yourself constantly striving to fit in, saying “yes” when you’d rather say “no,” or valuing others’ feelings over your own, you are a people-pleaser.

People-pleasing behaviours often originate in childhood, influenced by various factors including family dynamics and society’s expectations of the role of women in families.

We are expected to care for and serve others – father, mother, brother, partner, children – and if we don’t, we’re deemed not “good women” or “good girls”, “not good enough”.

It is a history of women where pleasing her mother is equated with receiving love and validation. It is neglecting yourself. This pattern can persist into adulthood. It is a generational dysfunction. Daughters continue to seek validation and praise, not just from their mothers, but in all aspects of their lives. This constant quest for approval can lead to over-commitment and feeling overwhelmed, and a loss of her own identity. I have written about the topic of The Lost Woman and the loss of identity. You can read more about it here.  

Understanding People-Pleasing: A Challenge in Mother-Daughter Relationships

One key trait of a people-pleaser is the inability to say “no.” This can lead to taking on extra responsibilities, attending unwanted events, or agreeing to energy-draining tasks out of fear of disappointing others. This issue is particularly challenging in mother-daughter relationships, where maintaining harmony and avoiding conflict is paramount.

In the workplace, this behaviour leads to overcommitment which may result in burnout. Socially, it results in difficulty setting boundaries, one-sided friendships, and emotional exhaustion. Such behaviour can perpetuate unhealthy dynamics, allowing others to take advantage of the pleaser’s accommodating nature.

The Need To Fit In

A people-pleaser is a social chameleon. Chameleons change colour when they perceive danger. A people-pleaser responds with fawning behaviour which is a trauma response to avoid conflict, to be safe.

People-pleasing has been termed ‘the disease to please’, she adapts to fit in, becoming what others want, and pleasing them even when it conflicts with her own beliefs or values. This can lead to internal conflict and resentment.

People-Pleasing: The Daughter’s Guilt and Responsibility

Daughters who feel guilty often believe they are not doing enough for their mothers, despite their best efforts. A daughter who feels responsible for her mother’s feelings may go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disappointment. A daughter may prioritise her mother’s approval over her own ambitions and put her dreams and goals ‘on hold’. Clients have expressed their fears to me that asserting their boundaries or expressing their true feelings will cause their mother to be “unhappy” or “angry” (or both). They feel compassion for their mother and her difficult history. They also fear their mother’s rejection. This fear perpetuates the cycle of people-pleasing.

Therapist and author, Lori Gottlieb commented, “Who taught you that the needs of the family that you grew up in, were more important than yours? Your mother may have said to you, that ‘my needs are more important than yours. You’re going to need to please me.’”

This burden of pleasing started as a little girl wanting to make mummy happy, see mummy smile, to connect with a parent who may be depressed or harsh or unpredictable. For the little girl who desperately wanted to be seen, to be validated, be accepted, to be known.

To explore the connection between people-pleasing and emotional dependency, an article published in The International Journal of Psychological Research, examines this topic further.

Breaking The Cycle

Here are some steps to help break the cycle:

• Become aware of your people-pleasing behaviours. Reflect on situations where you’ve prioritised others over yourself. What impact did this have on your well-being?

• Every adult is responsible for their own choices. You do not have to monitor your behaviour to manage someone else’s reactions.

• Establishing and maintaining boundaries is essential. Practice saying “no” in a firm but respectful manner. Remember, it’s okay to prioritise your needs. You are not responsible for how others feel. Clearly define your values and what matters most to you in life. This will guide you in determining what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for you.

• Practice saying “no” in small ways. This will give you confidence to say “no” to bigger things later on. Keep practicing, you will gain confidence. Author Courtney Carver remarked, “I don’t say no because I’m so busy. I say no because I don’t want to be so busy. I say no so I can say yes to what matters in my life.”

• Be aware that your mother or daughter or generational family may ‘push against’ the boundaries that you are establishing. On the other hand, they may respect your “no”. In the mother-daughter relationship, as in all relationships, we will not agree all the time with another’s opinion. Yet where there is love, acceptance and respect, then a loving and kind relationship trumps blame and shame.

• In mother-daughter communication, there is sometimes the pressure to make a decision on the spot, yet there is no actual urgency. You don’t need to answer immediately. Say that you want to think about it and will get back to her. This gives you time to slow down and thoughtfully consider what is being asked of you and the consequences.

• If your interactions deteriorate into name-calling or shaming, it might be a sign of deeper issues that need addressing. In such cases, consider seeking support from someone who specialises in mother-daughter relationships who can provide guidance and tools to help you navigate these challenges.

• Practice self-compassion. Change takes time. Be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s okay to put yourself first and that doing so doesn’t make you selfish. Researcher and teacher of self-compassion, Kristen Neff said, “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticising yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”

• Dedicate time for you. For your self-care, your creativity, pursuing your passions. You are important, you are a priority. It’s important to set boundaries to prioritise what truly matters to you.  Don’t be afraid to protect your time and energy.  Practice saying “no” so you can say “yes” to what’s important in your life.

Success Stories: Embracing Healthy Relationships

Many mothers and daughters have successfully navigated the challenges of people-pleasing to build healthier, more balanced relationships. These success stories often involve mutual respect, understanding, and a commitment to personal growth. For instance, a mother who learns to appreciate her daughter’s independence and support her choices can foster a relationship based on mutual respect rather than obligation. Similarly, a daughter who asserts her own needs while maintaining a loving connection with her mother can enjoy a more fulfilling and authentic relationship.

People-pleasing significantly impacts the dynamics of mother-daughter relationships, as well as the wider social context. By identifying these behaviours, communicating openly, and establishing healthy boundaries, mothers and daughters can create relationships that are supportive, respectful, and nurturing.

It’s important to honour your own feelings and needs, even as you navigate the complex and rewarding journey of motherhood and daughterhood.

Healing can be painful, but the cost of staying unhealed is much greater.

If you are facing challenges in your relationship, it may be time to seek a professional who specialises in Mother-Daughter Relationships.

I will help you figure out what’s going on, to build a stronger, healthier relationship. I help mothers and daughters to:

• understand the context of people-pleasing behaviour

• explore the guilt

• break the cycle

• redefine their roles

• and bring about healing

Let me support you in your journey to move forward. I work with mothers and daughters either individually or as a pair.

Image:  Pexels, Ryanniel Masucol

Janice Williams is the only Certified Mother-Daughter Relationship Specialist in Australia and the South Pacific region.

Sessions are available across Australia and worldwide.