Generations of women have been conditioned to prioritise others’ emotions over their own. Mothers, shaped by this legacy, often seek emotional support from their daughters who, in turn, struggle to set boundaries without guilt. This cycle leads to resentment, conflict, and a sense of emotional depletion. Why does this happen? How do cultural biases and gender roles reinforce these patterns? And most importantly, how can mothers and daughters break free to create healthier, more balanced relationships?
“You never listen to me.”
Sophie (name and identifying details have been changed) hadn’t meant to say it out loud. But the words tumbled out before she could stop them. She and her mother, Emma, sat in the car after a long lunch, tension hanging in the air like an unspoken truth.
Emma (name and identifying details have been changed) let out a sharp sigh, gripping the steering wheel. “I listen to you all the time, Sophie. But do you ever think about what I’ve been through? What I need?”
There it was again. The invisible weight Sophie had carried for as long as she could remember. Her mother’s loneliness. Her struggles. Her unspoken expectation that Sophie would be the one to fill the emotional gaps left by a life of unmet needs. Sophie loved her mother, but she was tired. Tired of feeling like her own emotions had to be tucked away because her mother’s always took priority. Tired of wondering if she was selfish for wanting to be heard too.
For generations, women have been taught to silence their needs, feelings, and dreams, leaving little space for their own voices. Many grew up feeling unseen and unheard, learning that their desires didn’t matter. Mothers, shaped by this legacy, often find themselves looking to their daughters for the emotional support they never received. And daughters, raised to be caregivers rather than individuals with their own wants and needs, struggle to set boundaries without guilt.
These generational shifts lead to conflict when both mother and daughter feel unheard or emotionally unsupported. The struggle isn’t just personal. It’s cultural. It’s a symptom of the gender-limiting roles that society has placed on women for centuries. It’s rooted in deeply ingrained biases that dictate how women should behave, what roles they should prioritise, and who should be responsible for maintaining relationships. This dynamic creates resentment, where each feels they must fight to be acknowledged rather than share emotional space.
In her book, “The New Don’t Blame Mother”, Paula Caplan writes, “Our mother’s imperfections are often magnified because we expect so much from mothers. We expect less from our fathers, because being masculine doesn’t require being nurturing. We tend to feel our fathers are terrific when they are even a little bit nurturing, but when our mothers don’t quite give us all that we want, we feel that they have let us down.”
In the past, women who expressed their desires were often shamed or dismissed. Their worth was measured by how much they sacrificed, not by how much they thrived. And so, generation after generation, the message was passed down: take care of others first. Make yourself small. Don’t ask for too much.
But when a mother and daughter both carry this unspoken rule, conflict arises. A mother may feel hurt when her daughter asserts herself, interpreting it as rejection rather than self-expression. A daughter may feel suffocated, unable to voice her own emotions without triggering her mother’s pain. They are not fighting because they don’t love each other; they are fighting because they have been taught that there is not enough space for them both to be heard.
How Bias and Stereotypes Keep This Cycle Going
The tension between mothers and daughters is often fuelled by cultural beliefs that reinforce outdated expectations, such as:
The caregiver expectation. Women are expected to be the primary nurturers in families, often at the expense of their own well-being. Mothers may feel they must continue to prioritise their families even as their daughters grow up, while daughters may feel guilty for setting boundaries.
Responsibility of emotional labour. Women are often expected to be the ones who maintain relationships, mediate conflicts, and offer emotional support. If a mother or daughter starts to assert her own needs, it may be seen as selfish rather than necessary.
Unspoken grief from lost opportunities. Many mothers grew up with limited opportunities, and seeing their daughters pursue what they couldn’t, may stir unprocessed grief or unacknowledged jealousy. Instead of recognising these feelings as loss, they may surface as criticism, withdrawal, or a lack of support. A daughter’s freedom, career, or relationships can act as a mirror, reflecting a mother’s unfulfilled dreams. Generations of women have carried this silent grief, shaped by a patriarchal system that denied them the love, support, and opportunities they deserved.
Myth of the “perfect” mother-daughter bond. Society often promotes an idealised image of mother-daughter relationships, where they should always be close and nurturing. When real-life relationships don’t match this expectation, both mother and daughter may feel like they have failed in some way.
Recognising these biases is the first step toward breaking free from them. Instead of blaming each other, mothers and daughters can work together to challenge these limiting roles and create a healthier, more supportive dynamic.
For further reading, there is a fascinating article in The Guardian on the “Cult of the Perfect Mother” through the decades.
Pushing Back Against Gender Bias and Limiting Roles
So what can mothers and daughters do to foster a relationship where both feel valued and emotionally supported? Here are some tips:
- Recognise that emotional support should not be a competition. A mother’s struggles are real, but they do not erase your daughter’s need to be understood. A daughter’s independence does not mean she loves her mother any less. Both women deserve to express their emotions without guilt or resentment.
- Redefine what it means to support one another. True support is not about self-sacrifice. It is about mutual respect. Mothers can model healthy emotional boundaries by seeking support from friendships, partners, or even professional counselling, rather than unconsciously placing that weight on their daughters. Daughters can practice expressing their needs with kindness but firmness, reminding themselves that they are not responsible for carrying their mother’s unhealed wounds.
- Prioritise self-care without guilt. Recognise that taking care of yourselves is not selfish but essential. Women are often taught to put others first, but a healthy relationship requires that both individuals have space to meet their own needs.
- Practice mutual support. Instead of competing for emotional space, mothers and daughters can create a dynamic where you both feel heard. This means taking turns listening and validating each other’s experiences without rushing to fix or minimise each other.
- Speak up about bias this International Womens Day on 8 March. Whether in your own family, workplace or community, challenge the outdated beliefs that keep women trapped in limiting roles. For example, if a mother feels pressure to always be the one holding the family together, she can express that she needs support too. If a daughter is expected to provide endless emotional labour, she can set boundaries around her availability. By speaking up, mothers and daughters not only reclaim their voices but also pave the way for future generations of women to do the same.
- Embrace a new narrative. Instead of inheriting silence, mothers and daughters can create relationships where both voices matter. They can choose to listen without defensiveness, to speak without fear, and to love without the burden of self-erasure.
And now back to mother and daughter …
Sophie took a deep breath, steadying herself before responding to her mother. “I know you’ve been through a lot, Mum. And I do care. But I need you to care about what I’m feeling too.”
Emma hesitated, then nodded slowly. It was a small shift, but a shift nonetheless. A step toward breaking the cycle. A step toward making space for them both.
Breaking free from the role of silent emotional caregiver is an act of reclaiming one’s voice and agency.
As Amy Schumer powerfully states:
“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and sh*t to say. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will.”
It’s time for mothers and daughters to determine their own stories.
If this resonates and you’re ready for change, contact me now, and let’s get started.
Image: Freepik
Janice Williams is the only Certified Mother-Daughter Relationship Specialist in Australia and the South Pacific region.
Sessions are available across Australia and worldwide.