“Healing can only happen when people are willing to shift.” Iyanla Vanzant
There is an expectation in society that mothers and adult daughters are meant to have a close, loving relationship. In some families, this is true. Families can be a source of great joy, a place where individuals feel they belong to a larger system and a place of shared history across generations and cultures.
For other mothers and daughters, this is not always the case. In my practice, I am seeing women who are hurt, confused and angry about the relationship with their own mothers. Many of these women contact me for counselling, initially to discuss their own daughter’s ‘difficult behaviour’. As we dig deeper, they have a complex relationship with their own mother and they do not wish to repeat this intricate history with their own daughter.
As we explore the mother-daughter dynamic, the woman experiences conflict of guilt that she feels she is not a loving, caring daughter; of disloyalty towards the bonds of daughter to mother; and grief that she desperately wants a relationship with her mother, yet years of distrust, resentment and disappointment has created a chasm which is difficult to bridge.
Mapping a Family
When I see a client for the first time I draw a map, like a family tree, called a genogram. I work from a family systems approach and map out three generations of a family, looking for themes and patterns as well as interactions within the family system. In retracing family history there can be specific points in time where a greater degree of conflict occurred between mothers and daughters – when a daughter is a teen, when she moves away, she gets married or has a baby.
There are various reasons for an increase in conflict during these times of transition. For some mothers there are fears that her daughter may be abandoning her and this is frightening for the mother. Her fear may show outwardly as anger.
Sometimes a daughter’s growing independence can bring up unexpected feelings for a mother, particularly if her own opportunities were limited when she was younger. Worry, sadness or fear of losing closeness may show up as criticism, disagreement or attempts to influence her daughter’s decisions.
In some families and cultures, daughters are duty-bound to be carers for their parents. When a daughter decides to move away from home, these families are angered that the daughter is not walking the path they chose for her.
Her siblings, often brothers, may also be incensed because, in their mindset, it is the daughter’s obligation to be responsible for the parents. The siblings do not want to shoulder this burden. It is a tenuous position for an adult daughter to be in.
The Adult Daughter Experience
Conflict between mothers and their adult daughters are rarely discussed openly as it is not deemed acceptable for daughters to feel anger towards their mother. Society informs women that they are nurturing, kind and more social than men. Women are considered as mediators, particularly within the family; it is still generally thought that women are to keep others happy. Many women try to live up to this expectation yet feel alone in this experience.
Daughters who have experienced difficult relationships with their mother can suffer from low self-esteem, depression and anxiety.
Adult daughters also experience relationship issues with partners, friends or work colleagues. If a child has not learned social cues, handling frustration and resolving conflict within the family system, they may have greater difficulty with relationships as they mature.
In saying this, it doesn’t mean that these behaviours can’t be learned as an adult. Friends and other trusted adults can guide the adult daughter. Speaking with a Mother-Daughter Coach can significantly help to sort through difficult emotions and help you move forward in your relationships.
This is not about blaming your mother, she is a product of her own environment. We all learn and get by as best we can in the families that we are raised in. We don’t have all the information about our mother’s history. They have had to survive in their own family as best they could.
When women see me for Mother-Daughter Coaching, they want to break the cycle and change the direction of their family history because these women feel it hasn’t worked well for them, and they want to improve their relationships down the female line with their daughters.
Tips on Dealing with a Challenging Mother-Daughter Relationship
The tips below may help towards navigating this significant relationship.
Every mother-daughter relationship has its own history. What one woman experiences as care or concern may be experienced by the other as criticism or interference. Often, both women are responding to patterns that have developed over many years.
Understanding these patterns can help mothers and daughters begin to make changes in how they relate to each other.
The following suggestions may help you reflect on your relationship with your mother and consider different ways of responding when difficulties arise.
- Be aware of your emotional reactions when your mother says/does something, such as a feeling of abandonment or being punished. Distinguish these feelings between your childhood and your adulthood.
- Relinquish the expectation of a loving mother. Consider the difference between the relationship you’ve hoped to have with your mother and the relationship you have today. There may be disappointment or sadness about things you’ve needed but haven’t experienced. Understanding these feelings can help you consider what is possible in your relationship and what you may need to accept or approach differently.
- Prepare a response. Consider what you want to say to your mother, dispassionately. Write a script which will help clarify your thoughts. Memorise the words or short sentences.
- When demands are made of you to make a decision promptly, a response of “I’ll get back to you” gives you time to consider your options.
- Recognise the patterns in your relationship. Pay attention to the patterns between you and your mother. Notice what happens when you disagree, say no, or make decisions for yourself. Consider how you both respond and whether these responses are helping or creating further distance in your relationship.
- Set boundaries in advance with your mother. Discuss with your mum the expectations of a relationship with her. If your mother drops by unannounced to your home, discuss that she call and set a time with you when she can visit. If a conversation becomes heated, recognise when it may be helpful to take a break. You might say, “I want us to be able to talk about this, but I think we both need some time before continuing.” Taking a break doesn’t have to mean withdrawing from the relationship. It can give you both an opportunity to return to the conversation when you’re ready.
- Create distance. Sometimes, despite efforts to improve the relationship, mothers and daughters continue to experience conflict or emotional distance. It may help to look at what keeps happening between you, what each of you needs, and what might need to change. In some situations, having a little space from each other can be helpful. This doesn’t necessarily mean ending the relationship, but allowing time to reflect on how you might move forward.
Mothers, too, can experience hurt, rejection and confusion in their relationships with their adult daughters. Both women may be carrying feelings and experiences that the other doesn’t fully understand. While setting boundaries and taking time apart can sometimes be necessary, particularly when there is ongoing harmful behaviour, these decisions deserve careful consideration. Every relationship is different, and there is no single approach that works for everyone.
Improving a difficult mother-daughter relationship takes time, and change doesn’t always happen at the same pace for both women. It can begin with understanding your own responses, recognising what may be happening for the other person, and finding different ways to communicate. While not every relationship can be repaired, small changes in how we listen, respond and respect each other’s differences can sometimes open the door to a better relationship.
Janice Williams is a Certified Mother-Daughter Relationship Specialist.
Sessions are available across Australia and worldwide.