This blog contains 7 tips for mothers and daughters to reduce holiday conflict.
The holiday season is often seen as a time for joy and togetherness, yet it can also be a source of tension when family members gather with different expectations. When families get together for two days, two weeks or longer, dynamics within the family can intensify. There is the joy of creating memories but there’s also the potential for conflict if expectations aren’t discussed openly. Each year, clients tell me of family expectations around holiday time, and the expectations that a mother and adult daughter have of each other.
Understanding Why Expectations Matter
Each family member brings their own hopes, preferences and traditions into holiday plans. While some might anticipate lots of downtime and relaxation, others might imagine activity-filled schedules. Some may want to focus on connecting with family, while others are hoping for individual moments of peace and quiet. Addressing these expectations can foster understanding, promote flexibility, and enhance the quality of time spent together.
Brene Brown, author and researcher, noted in her book, “Atlas of the Heart”, “Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.”
Common Holiday Expectations
Family Traditions
- Expectation: Mothers may want to uphold cherished family traditions, while adult daughters may be eager to bring new traditions into the mix, especially if they have their own families.
- Suggestion: Have an open dialogue about which traditions to keep and where to try something new. For example, a mother may be accustomed to enjoying a holiday breakfast, while a daughter could introduce a new tradition, like a morning walk together or a special game. Balancing both old and new traditions can help both feel honoured and valued.
Daily Schedule and Activity Level
- Expectation: Some family members might be eager for an itinerary full of activities, while others are looking forward to sleeping in and taking it easy. A mother may want to maintain a structured schedule, while a daughter might prefer a more relaxed, go-with-the-flow experience.
- Suggestion: If expectations around activity levels aren’t shared, family members may feel pressured or resentful. Balance can be found by agreeing on key activities while leaving space for rest or solo time. Some families find success by establishing shared events alongside free time, where individuals can do their thing. Balance these perspectives by agreeing to a blend of both – perhaps planning key events but allowing for spontaneous, unstructured time. It can be helpful to name a few “must-do” activities (like gift opening or a family dinner) while staying flexible with other aspects.
Food and Dining Preferences
- Expectation: A big part of my holiday experience is the food. I research cafes and restaurants, the location (is it near a beach or has a city view?), the uniqueness of the food offerings, etc. Preferences and dietary requirements can vary. One person might expect traditional holiday meals, while another is interested in trying local cuisines.
- Suggestion: Discussing dining preferences early can prevent last-minute scrambling, food-related frustrations, or taking too long to make a foodie decision (after spending a good amount of time walking around and exploring each eatery – I know this from personal experience). Perhaps each family member could contribute to meal planning. Or each member is given the task of choosing what to eat, or where, for a particular meal. This way, each person will feel involved.
Gift-giving and Budget
- Expectation: Giving gifts is a beautiful tradition. It is also a topic that often arises with my clients. It can be about the costs for one gift or several gifts, or misunderstanding as to whether there is an exchange of gifts at all. Some family members imagine grand exchanges of gifts, while others are aiming for a simpler approach, especially if budgets are tight.
- Suggestion: An open discussion about budgeting and expectations can make everyone feel at ease and ensure that no one feels under pressure to overspend. Some families organise a Kris Kringle or Secret Santa to ensure everyone is aligned on a spending limit for gifts – discuss this well ahead of the holiday.
Personal Space and Alone Time
- Expectation: For some, family togetherness is a highlight of their holiday. For others, they need personal downtime. Children may expect constant engagement, while adults may hope for some moments of peace. Adult daughters appreciate some independence, while mothers may yearn for more connection during holiday time together.
- Suggestion: Making space for alone time allows everyone to recharge. This doesn’t mean withdrawing from family activities, but recognising that a balance between togetherness and personal space can improve everyone’s mood and patience. For instance, a mother can invite her daughter for one-on-one time, while respecting her daughter’s need for some solo moments or time with her partner or children. Likewise, daughters can plan shared activities with their mothers, like a shopping trip or coffee outing, that respects each other’s boundaries and autonomy.
Expectations Around Family Roles
- Expectation: Sometimes, mother and daughter relationships shift when they reunite over the holidays, with mothers unconsciously taking on their former role as the family organiser or chef, while daughters might revert to expecting their mother to “take charge.”
- Suggestion: Mothers may resent feeling responsible for organising everything, when they feel their daughters should be taking some of the responsibility. Daughters may resent being made to feel dependent and incapable, as if they were a child again. Before the trip, discuss tasks like cooking, planning outings, or childcare if it’s relevant. Agreeing to share responsibilities can prevent either person from feeling burdened or “stuck” in a certain role.
Emotional Triggers and Embracing Growth
- Mother-Daughter Dynamics: Holidays can sometimes increase past conflicts or expectations. My mother had difficulty in accepting that my food choices had changed, from childhood to adulthood. Growing up, I didn’t like fruit cake, the flavours were too strong for me. Specifically, I didn’t like grandma’s fruit cake, a recipe passed through the generations. Yet my tastebuds matured and I grew to enjoy the recipe handed down from mother to daughter and the next generation of women. Yet, for such a small thing to have a disagreement over, it spoke volumes of our relationship and that mum struggled to see me fully as an adult whose choices can change.
- Suggestion: Be aware that some triggers may resurface during the holidays. Before your trip, discuss the goal of creating positive experiences and getting to know each other, woman to woman, not only as mother and daughter. Talk about how you’ve grown since previous holidays and how you’d like to support each other’s individual journey this season. This can foster empathy and deepen understanding in your mother-daughter relationship.
Tips for Facilitating A Family Discussion
A few weeks before your family get-together, find a time to discuss everyone’s hopes and concerns. Encourage family members to share what they’re most looking forward to and what might make them anxious.
When family members share their expectations, try to refrain from interrupting. Ask thoughtful questions that demonstrate your genuine interest in understanding their perspective.
In many families, certain activities or traditions feel non-negotiable. Perhaps one family member feels strongly about maintaining a particular tradition, while another feels very uncomfortable with it. If there are strong attachments to specific elements, try to find ways to respect those preferences or reach a compromise.
Instead of trying to control every detail, create a flexible framework that allows for spontaneity and adjustment. A simple daily structure (e.g., group breakfast, optional morning activity, afternoon free time) can help set a balanced tone for the holiday without creating rigidity.
Even with the best of intentions, conflicts may still occur. When they do, try to approach disagreements with kindness and patience. Take a pause to check in with each other’s emotions and expectations. Also check in with your own emotions and expectations. Some tension is natural, especially when people are out of their usual routines. Take deep breaths, go for a walk, put on some calming music, or let emotions cool before revisiting a sensitive topic.
Family holidays can be an incredible opportunity to bond, but only if there’s a mutual understanding of each person’s needs. Open discussions about expectations and compromises can go a long way in ensuring that everyone has an enjoyable and fulfilling holiday away from home.
By taking the time to communicate clearly and listen to each other, families can set the stage for a joyful holiday season that everyone will look back on fondly.
If you’re seeking professional support to better meet your needs in your mother-daughter relationship, I offer confidential and non-judgmental guidance to help women navigate these challenges. Visit my website to learn more and connect with me.
Image: Craig Adderley, Pexels
Janice Williams is the only Certified Mother-Daughter Relationship Specialist in Australia and the South Pacific region.
Sessions are available across Australia and worldwide.