Navigating Mother’s Day : A Guide for Mothers and Daughters

When Mother’s Day rolls around each year, social media floods with beaming smiles, breakfast in bed photos, and heartfelt tributes. The cards lining store shelves speak of unconditional love and endless appreciation. But for many women, both mothers and daughters, this specific day stirs up complicated emotions that don’t fit neatly into a Hallmark card.

The mother-daughter relationship can be one of the most rewarding connections in our lives, but also one of the most challenging. If you’ve ever felt that tug of both love and frustration when thinking about your mother or adult daughter, you’re not alone.

The Mother’s Day Myth vs Reality

Mother’s Day has become quite the commercial event. Last year, Australians spent almost $1 billion celebrating mothers. The marketing machine works overtime, convincing adult children that true appreciation comes in the form of expensive gifts, lavish brunches, and picture perfect moments.

But what happens when your relationship doesn’t match the glossy advertisements? When the flowery card sentiments feel like they’re describing someone else’s mother, or someone else’s daughter?

For many women, Mother’s Day becomes a day of navigation – of expectations, emotions and sometimes, pain. The disconnect between the cultural ideal and personal reality can leave both mothers and daughters feeling inadequate, misunderstood, or simply exhausted.

Different Eras, Different Expectations

Mothers and daughters are raised in completely different eras, with different expectations and different family dynamics. When a daughter expects her mother to understand her life choices in ways her mother simply can’t relate to, disappointment follows. When a mother expects her grown daughter to prioritise family in the exact way she did, more disappointment. It’s a cycle that repeats through generations, often without either party recognising the pattern.

As researcher Brené Brown noted, “Disappointment is unmet expectations. The more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointments.”

Many adult daughters tell me, “I swore I’d never be like my mother”, only to find themselves repeating patterns or reacting to their own daughters in painfully familiar ways. The ghost of mother-daughter relationships past has a way of haunting the present.

Behind The Triggers

Have you ever wondered why a simple comment from your mother can send you spiralling back to feeling like a frustrated teenager? Or why your adult daughter seems to overreact to your misguided yet caring advice? Many daughters describe their mothers as critical, emotionally unavailable, or dismissive. Meanwhile, many mothers believe their comments come from a place of care and concern, only to feel hurt when met with their daughter’s frustration.

When an adult daughter feels her mother doesn’t respect her autonomy, it triggers childhood memories of not being heard or understood. When a mother feels dismissed by her daughter, it might connect to her own fears of becoming irrelevant.

Sometimes all it takes is one comment for the past to come rushing back: “My mother makes one comment about my parenting and suddenly I’m 12 years old again, feeling like nothing I do is right.”

These triggers originate from old wounds, causing reactions that seem disproportionate in the moment.

It’s not just about what’s happening now. Old stuff is showing up, the past is creeping in.

What’s really happening is that both women are speaking different emotional languages, each desperately wanting to be understood by the other.

Common Patterns In Strained Relationships

If you’re experiencing tension with your mother or adult daughter, you might recognise some of these dynamics:

• Communication breakdowns: Talking over each other, not really listening, each feeling unheard

• Boundary struggles: Difficulty respecting each other’s independence and personal choices

• Criticism cycles: Small comments that feel like major judgements

• Role confusion: Challenges in adapting as the relationship evolves through different life stages

• Unmet emotional needs: Each wanting validation, understanding, and acceptance which the other may struggle to provide

• Need to be right:  Sometimes we argue about the surface issue, without pausing to ask ourselves, or each other, what’s really going on underneath. Am I, and she, feeling uncared for? Is she and I feeling unsupported?

Poet and author Diego Perez better known as Yung Pueblo, wrote that when winning becomes the goal in an argument, it often leads to hurt feelings and pushes people further apart. When the focus of an argument becomes proving who’s right, the hurt underneath gets missed. And that’s what really pushes people apart.

Unmet Emotional Needs

Unmet emotional needs are a huge barrier that often gets in the way of mothers and daughters moving toward each other. They end up instead, putting up walls to protect themselves.

For generations, women have been taught to silence their needs, feelings, and dreams. This legacy of silence passes from mother to daughter, one generation after another, creating patterns of selflessness that make it difficult for women to express their needs, their feelings, or set boundaries.

In the past, women who spoke up were often shut down, judged, or made to feel selfish. This silencing can take the form of:

• Unspoken truths hidden for decades.

• Generations of women left to carry their burdens alone, unsupported by their families.

• Walking on eggshells, emotional conversations sidestepped or shut down.

• A repeated cycle of over-giving.

• Suppressing her own needs.

• The peacekeeper, the go-to problem solver, always the one smoothing things over. As soon as I say, “You’ve been the fix-it girl in your family”, there’s an instant “Yes”, like I’ve named something she’s always known.

• Feeling deep down that she’s not enough.

These patterns didn’t start with you. They’ve been passed down. But once you see them for what they are, you can start to shift them. 

Life Transitions That Test Relationships

Major life changes often intensify mother-daughter tensions. When daughters move out, get married, have children, or make significant career moves, the relationship dynamics shift. Mothers may struggle with their changing role, while daughters might feel stifled by mothers who haven’t adjusted to seeing them as independent adults.

One mother told me, “I just wanted to help with the baby, but my daughter acted like I was criticising her every move.” Her daughter’s perspective? “Mum jumped in like I had no idea what I was doing, just like when I was a kid.”

The mother-daughter relationship must evolve throughout life, but we’re rarely taught how to navigate these changes gracefully. It’s a huge emotional shift when a daughter begins to step more fully into adulthood. A mother may struggle ‘cutting the cord’, not because she doesn’t want her daughter to grow, but because so much of her identity has been wrapped up in being needed. On the other side, a daughter who’s spent most of her life leaning on her mother for guidance and support may also feel unsure about how to stand more firmly on her own. This transition can stir up fear, confusion and grief for both of them. It’s not just about changing roles. It’s about redefining the relationship entirely.

How To Survive Mother’s Day When It’s Complicated

If you’re approaching Mother’s Day with a knot in your stomach rather than excitement, here are some ways to navigate the day.

For daughters with difficult mother relationships:

• Give yourself permission to celebrate in ways that feel authentic to you, even if that means minimal contact

• Set time boundaries if you do visit. For example, one hour or two hours

• Meet at a neutral place, such as an outdoor location which makes a natural exit easier

• Send a simple card if you’re not ready for in-person connection

• Stay off social media to avoid comparison with idealised portrayals

• Create alternative traditions with supportive friends or your own children

For mothers with strained daughter relationships:

• Respect your daughter’s boundaries around the day

• Express appreciation without expectations

• Focus on the relationship you want to build, not the one you expected to have

• Find joy in other meaningful connections in your life

• Engage in a creative activity, such as drawing or writing

• Be gentle with yourself. Motherhood is complex and no one gets it perfectly right

Recognising how layered the relationship is doesn’t mean you’re giving up on it. It means you’re meeting it with clearer eyes and more realistic expectations.

Moving Towards Healing

Healing a strained mother-daughter relationship takes time and intentional effort from both sides. Here are some starting points:

Learn to be less reactive:

• Identify your specific triggers and prepare for them

• Practice taking breaks when emotions escalate

• Consider writing scripts for recurring difficult conversations

• Set clear, respectful boundaries

Improve communication:

• Listen to understand, not to respond

• Speak from “I feel” rather than “You always”

• Acknowledge the other person’s perspective, even when you disagree

• Be curious instead of defensive

As therapist Esther Perel says, “Listen, just listen. You don’t have to agree. Just see if you can understand that there’s another person who has a completely different experience of the same reality.”

The Mother-Daughter Dance Continues

There’s no perfect mother-daughter relationship. Every pair has their struggles, their misunderstandings, and their moments of connection. The relationship continues to evolve throughout our lives, offering opportunities for growth, healing, and deeper understanding.

Whether you’re a mother or a daughter reading this, know that your experience is valid. The complicated feelings, the disappointments, the hopes – all of it deserves acknowledgment.

This Mother’s Day, perhaps the greatest gift we can give ourselves and each other is permission to be real about our relationships. To let go of the Hallmark expectations and embrace the authentic connection we have, with all its imperfections and possibilities.

It’s in that authentic space, not the polished social media version, where real love and healing can grow.

I’ll leave you with a powerful statement from therapist and author, Lori Gottlieb, that’s worth sitting with.

“What if there is not a change in her, but a change in you? What if you showed up authentically, not expecting anything to happen differently?… you’re showing up differently knowing that she might or might not be capable of doing something different. That all these patterns that you still have around her, you are not going to uphold, they are not nourishing for you. You’re not going to be invisible any more, and she can do with that whatever she will, that you are not responsible for her feelings that your visibility evokes in her.“

If any part of this blog resonated with you, I’d love to hear from you.  Tap this link or the button below to reach out.

Image:  Janice Williams

Janice Williams is the only Certified Mother-Daughter Relationship Specialist in Australia and the South Pacific region.

Sessions are available across Australia and worldwide.